I had the thought this morning to share my writing. I’ve done so once before but I stopped for whatever reason, I don’t remember. But, (raises glass) here’s to utilizing all my creative outlets and being consistent in creating. So thanks for taking your time to feel what I feel in this moment.. here goes.
I wrote this a really long time ago. And I feel differently now.
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Can’t remember the last time I felt an overwhelming amount of happiness. A lot of the time, I feel like I limit my own happiness because of what COULD happen. It’s an awful habit I have and I go through spurts of shaking it but it never really sticks. I won’t let myself be happy because eventually there’s going to be something that ruins it. So I rather be neutral and not have far to fall, than be so high up that when I do fall, the damage is unbearable. I hate that I can’t get out of this. Because there is nothing I want more than happiness. Overwhelming happiness. Happiness for no reason, kinda happiness. I curse myself out because half of the things I think are most likely never going to happen, but.. what if. I’ve experienced too many of my what ifs. I feel like they’re bound to happen so putting a cap on how happy I am has become some kind of defense mechanism but.. I’m afraid I have to let this go.
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Some people may not understand why others choose to blog and vlog and record their life and share it.. but there’s an unexplainable feeling that comes with being able to look back weeks and months and years and recognize where you were, and compare to where you are. Being able to actually SEE GROWTH.. this is why I blog. This is why I vlog. Recording and sharing my life has very little to do with others and everything to do with my own self. I LOVE that I can read what I wrote years ago and feel so differently.. because now I am so happy. So overwhelmingly happy. And yes, it scares me because what ifs are possible. But until they do.. they are exactly that: what ifs. I now live my life based on what I WANT and not what MAY happen. And honestly, there is so much joy here in this place that I’ve found. Not just happiness.. but joy. Joy is yours, while happiness is given and taken away.
whitty lianne 